Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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