You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
What a dumb baby whore.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
