mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
