so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
