I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.