The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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