chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
