I just made out with a guy for $7.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
