You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
