Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
