my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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