just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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