Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
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Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
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ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You ruined the universe
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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