I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
