My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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