She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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