So drunk its hurt
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
