I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
my god I love twenty year old dicks
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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