we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
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It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
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The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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