I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
