it wasn't lemon gatorade
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
