God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
