I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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