She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
