Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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