What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
