dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
