I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
