Dude you don't even follow my twitter
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?