My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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