My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
