i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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