Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
