dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
