Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
