My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
