I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
