So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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