I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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