I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
