Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
