i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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