i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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