I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
