I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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