the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
