Michael Bay diarrhea
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
