How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
