Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
