My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
