Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
