I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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