She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize