Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Randomize
