I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
