Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
